2. I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

3. On the other hand… you have different fingers.

4. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest!

6. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

7. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

8. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)

9. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

10. 90% of all statistics are made up.

11. My parents made me what I am today. I’m thinking of suing.

12. You can’t have everything…where would you put it?

13. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

14. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

15. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

16. A chicken is an egg’s way of producing more eggs.

17. e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word “farm”.

18. I think therefore I am… I think.

19. Deja moo = “I swear that’s the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago.”

20. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

22. I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

23. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

24. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.