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Lies, manipulation and fights that the neighbors have probably heard. This is what has filled my house for the past four months. It’s been four months since I’ve had a stress-free day and four months since I’ve had any kind of sanity. The trouble doesn’t lie within my marriage, but with a house guest. This guest is supposed to be my big sister, but I don’t recognize her anymore. She’s a stranger in my home that has stolen all of my sanity. Alcohol is her lover and I am the enemy trying to keep them apart.
I knew when she moved in it would be a challenge, but I had no idea that it was going to be this bad. My strength has been put to the test. I have screamed and cried. I have had more anger in me than I have ever had in me before and that scares me. I never thought I would feel so much anger towards anyone, much less my own sister. There have been days that I have been on my knees praying for strength to make it through another day.
This has all taken a serious toll on my overall health. I’ve been losing hair, I can’t sleep, I can’t think and I feel sick to my stomach more days than not. Anxiety and fear have taken over my life because of this. I can’t handle being around large groups of people. To even think about it makes me nauseous. I haven’t been to church in what seems to be forever. I’m sure everyone thinks I’ve become Satan’s child or something. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just can’t seem to function right anymore.
Why haven’t I kicked her out? I get asked that question a lot. The answer is simple…God won’t let me. I’ve threatened many times, but I can never follow through with it. How could I throw my sister out into the street? No matter what she has done to me, I couldn’t do that to her. There’s no way I could live with that kind of guilt. Nor could I handle not knowing whether or not she was still alive.
I asked God for a solution and my prayers were answered. She’s gone and I didn’t have to throw her out. She’s where she needs to be…A six month treatment facility. I just hope she stays there and gets better this time. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I’m glad that I have this time to get my life and my sanity back. I’m glad that she’s safe and that she’s in a place where she can finally get help. They know how to help her…I don’t. A part of me thought that I could, but things got out of control really fast. I know now that there is no sanity in Alcoholism. Not even a little.
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