Right now i just want to type and organize my thoughts into writing. I have no particular subject, no particular thing in my mind that I want to write about but I want my fingers to start rambling thru the keyboard and clear my head of all these things that’s inside it right now, cluttered, chaotic and hopefully bring some semblance of order in my mind right now.

Lately, my temper has gone from an average of 1-3 to 7-10, it has sky rocketed, mainly because of the children, who keeps giving me a hard time, from morning, waking up, to evening, before going to sleep. And it’s from simple trivial matters into hi grade naughtiness on their part. It was generally the usual stuff, refusing to eat, refusing to bathe, refusing almost everything that they have to do in order for their day to start and continue on the right track. My daughter is suffering from primary complex and the doctor six months straight medications, lest it will not help her, and the medications given would only be wasted if it is not used continuously for six months. I am okay with this, I’m glad that it is not something more serious, just some usual childhood disease/illness that we have to go through. I’m starting to get depressed again, I’m feeling quite lonely even with people around me. I’m missing my family and I’m wanting to talk to them but I know that it’s not possible and I just have to deal with that on my own. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I think that, that is one of the reasons I am staying sane at the moment. If I’m not thinking about it, I might have gone and killed myself already. I feel that there are certain things I should do for myself and that I need to make myself useful and more productive that I have been doing for the last years, well since I got married and all, I’ve devoted my time to my family, stopped working and all that stuff, although I might say part of it is just the desire to stay close to the family I made and the will power to go to work is just nil at the moment. I started studying medical transcription, my brother thought it a waste since he said I can always go to work for his former company as a call center agent, a boom in that business right now and I know, well, of course with my talent.. bwahahaha… I will be able to work for that company if I really wanted. Well, I know that but somehow, mt has given me that drive again to fulfill something that interests me and something that my heart is actually willing to do. Right now, the study is fun for me, and easy… Basic English and keyboarding, computers which has become my forte already. I’m looking forward to starting the next module which deals with anatomy and physiology, something that I haven’t touched for quite some time and I’m looking forward to studying that again, those were what interested me during college days. Nothing in my mind is firm right now, everything is floating and it’s all still a chaos for me and I’m thinking all these are nonsense but when I see all of it in writing I realize how cluttered my mind is, hence my headaches(?) It’s getting late again and I know that sleep will come not easily for me. I better head on out to bed and start the ritual to get to sleep. I hope that sleep won’t elude me. my mind needs it’s valuable rest and I know that unless real sleep comes to me, my mind will not rest at ease… And till the time I regain my control, my mind remains a clutter and so will my writing…

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