It’s been a while since I last blogged. Not for lack of content on my mind but mainly from lack of time and energy. I have been busy with the store (since it’s the Christmas season and it is a time for selling) and it has consumed most of my time and my energy.

Now, the season is generally over and life is generally getting back to normal I find myself wishing for more time, more energy for myself, my family.. I felt the season has passed and nothing really significant happened.

I have been feeling a bit low lately. Seeing it as my adrenaline going down. I have been wanting support from my husband and children. but alas, none is found. I always told myself that I can only find real support and such from myself, that I shouldn’t go looking for love outside of my body, but I am but human and constantly seeks the love and affection of others. I know I’m not perfect, I constantly and will continue to make mistakes, and I will also constantly see the mistake others do unto me and those that I love. I am an emotional and sensient being. I feel, I hurt, I bleed and I cringe at pain. I get happy, sad, mad and bad all at the same time even.

To say that I have no right to get mad or even feel sad or bad because there was really no intention to hurt… Deng! shouldn’t it be more wrong to be intentionally wrong????
We never really seek out to hurt people or do the wrong thing, but when we do, wouldn’t it be proper to say I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, all I wanted was really to help but it turned out all wrong. Please forgive me??? But what do I hear? I did nothing wrong, you’re just being overly sensitive and I don’t give a shit about how you are feeling, I will not say sorry nor apologize for what I did coz put simply I did nothing wrong. It hurts to be ignored and labeled as overly sensitive, OA or what just because I’m seeking an apology because of what I felt was done wrong to me. Is that to hard? or too bad? or too much to ask???

I always feared a true commitment before coz I know that I am emotional and I would get hurt easily by even unmeaning acts. I always feared getting hurt. but when I met my husband, I threw all caution to the wind and loved..for real.. I thought that he will love me, protect me and keep me from getting hurt. But I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong… His uncaring side, always gets the better of him and in the end it always ends up hurting me… I’m starting to crumble…. I don’t want our marriage to end. Honestly, maybe I fear being alone again. My immediate family (my mom, brother and sister) is already out of the country. And if I leave here, I know that I’ll be alone…. but, will it really be that bad? I want to fight but I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I feel like I’m just setting myself up to get hurt again……